So this post is going to be highly critical and from a very internal perspective. If you think I'm about to whine, I'd ask you to go look at something else. This is me venting. You have been forewarned....
So this past weekend was King's and Queen's Rapier Champions in the East. While I fought my way undefeated to the semi-finals, I keep thinking back on the weekend, and I'm just not happy with my performance. I've been feeling burnt out on fencing and the SCA for a bit. Practice has felt like a chore. Going to events has felt somewhat the same. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to fence at the event. If it wasn't for my friends, I think I'd be taking a long break from the SCA.
Last week, I had to travel to Austin for work. I brought some of my fencing gear with me, so that I could hit their local practice and maybe change my perspective and outlook. I had a pretty good time fencing some different people. So I figured, hell, I'll go fence at K&Q and see how it feels. I didn't expect to make it out of m pool, so I only brought a sword and a dagger with me.
The first round was a round robin with 7 people in my list, so 6 fights. I lost to Ogedai (theme for the day) and Yehuda. Against Ogedai, my foot would just not foot. I went for a lunge, and my foot never came off the ground. It was odd and a little unsettling. Against Yehuda, I approached the bout like it was at practice where we face each other regularly. I went 4-2 in the pool, tied with Orlando for second place. Since I beat him head-to-head, they gave me the tie breaker so I advanced to the Sweet 16.
In the first round of the 16, I faced Malcolm. Again, someone I fence regularly. Hell, I'm to be the best man at his wedding, and hope that this bout did not change that. I beat him two straight, though both bouts were very different. The first was like fencing in slow motion and the second was fought at hyper-speed.
In the second round, I faced Sorcha. She tried to close with me in both bouts, getting in but without control of my blade. I legged her in the first round and got my dagger on her in the second round. Thus I advanced again.
In the third round, I faced Wyatt. He hit me good in the face in the first round. In the second, I popped him in the face. In the third, I'm not sure what happened, but I took the bout.
Thus I made it to the semi-finals undefeated. In the semis, I faced Ogedai. He had to beat me in 2 bouts which were 2-3, while I had to just take one. He got me twice in bout sets of matches, while I was only to get him once, thus I was eliminated, while he advanced to the finals.
Antonio was on fire, and I'm somewhat glad I didn't have to face him, since we fence so often.
So I finished high in the tournament and lots of people congratulated me and said I was fencing very well. Problem is, I can only think about how sloppy I think my fencing was. Internally, nothing seemed to be crisp, yet I was winning bouts. It felt like my blade was all over the place. So while I should be happy for a final four appearance, I feel like Eeyore. Its possible I'm holding myself to a higher standard, but I don't think so. I've finished lower in the tournament and felt better. I think I'm so burnt out I can only see the bad and not the good. I was moody after the tournament, not because I lost in the semi finals, but because I was just not really that happy.'
I'm just not sure how to overcome this burnt out feeling.